There
are things we really wanted and asked – even
begged God for it to be given to us, and sometimes we get tired of
waiting, we lose faith, we lose hope. But we should always remember that if he
didn’t answer our prayers, we just have to wait and be patient because he has better plans for us – much
better plans for us…
“I am
so sorry.”
I recognized the
word even before I felt myself stumble unto something – someone.
I dropped on my
knees and helped pick up the fruits that is now scattered on the floor, he must
have dropped it when we collided. Today was really not a good day for me and I
just wanted to just turn my back and walk away but I know I’m probably the one who’s
not paying attention to where I’m going which means apology is in order even if
embarrassment is killing me!
“I’m
sorry-“I looked up as soon as I handed the last stray fruit and stopped midsentence.
Deep set of dark eyes held my gaze, so dark I can clearly see my face mirrored
in it.
I’m pretty sure
he said something but – I don’t know. My mind can’t seem to process what he is saying;
all I can do is stare!
“Miss?”
he waves a hand in front of my face that snap me out of my somewhat trance. All
I was able to do was nod. “I said its
okay” he continued “I wasn’t looking
where I was going either so I guess we could both share the blame” he
smiled and offered me his hand.
I just stared at
his extended hand then back at his face. Other times I would love to be friends
with someone but this is one time that I would rather not.
No. I’m not generally
rude by nature but there’s something about him that makes me want to keep my
distance, with that I hurriedly got to my feet and walk away without second
glance. Funny because I felt like I had to get away from him and fast.
I sat on one of
the benches on the park; it was a very nice day to be out. Usually just seeing
this surrounding is enough to make me smile but today I couldn’t even
appreciate the view.
Still no good
news for me today – I guess there never will be…
“Miss,
are you okay?”
‘Do I look okay to you???’ was the first
reply I had on my mind. Everyone within a foot can tell that I’m not and
honestly, asking me that question right now is like adding salt to wounds. But
then whoever is asking that question only means well so no matter how much I
wanted to be all sarcastic and yell that I want to be alone. Still, I had to be
at least be nice.
I looked at the
person who sat beside me not bothering to hide my annoyance.
“I’m sorry, I just thought you needed hel-“
“Im
fine! Now if you could just leave me alone I would be very –“the look he
was giving is very disconcerting that I had to stop.
“It’s you.”
There was a hint
of disbelief or was it excitement in his voice, that for a second I thought he
had gone crazy. I looked at him again this time straight in his eyes, then
something clicked – he was the same man from the hospital the one I bumped into
months ago!
I got up and
turn to leave, but this time he caught my arm.
“Raphael.” He said. “My name’s Raphael.” He repeats as he let go of my arm and smiled.
I wanted to just
turn my back again and leave, I didn’t. Truth is I couldn’t!
“Happy.”
“Of course im happy to see you again. Much
happier if you could tell me your name.”
He looked
excited as well as agitated that I couldn’t suppress my smile. I extended my hand
“Happy. My name’s Happy.”
From then on I
know he will be a part of my life.
Love
strike when you least expected it, you wouldn’t even know when it got you…
Raphael and I
became good friends; he would often come into our house and would spend the
whole day talking. Sometimes it surprises us both to know that we have a lot in
common. It felt like we have known each other forever. I even tease him that
maybe he was God sent, my angel. After all he had been named for one. But then
again maybe he is – because somehow he inspires me in many ways than one.
I have been thinking a lot lately – mostly
about him. I don’t know but I’m starting to feel weird around him. I’m not as
comfortable as I used to. Yes. I recognize the change in me – the signs. And
yes, I’m in denial because I wanted our relationship to be purely platonic. But
who am I kidding? I knew the first time we met that this would happen, the very
reason why I practically ran away.
We were having
our usual goodbyes, which unusually includes hugs when he said it for the first
time.
“I love you.”
I stiffened. Did
he really say…
“I love you.”
No! He is not supposed to feel that way
for me. I couldn’t let him fall for me. I had just realized I have feeling for
him and that it hurts already. I can’t. We can’t.
This had to
stop!
The
greatest irony of love is holding on when you need to let go and letting go
when you need to hold on…
Avoiding
him was one of the toughest decisions I had made. I know I had been unfair but I’m
doing this to keep us both from more pain. Because sooner or later I would have
to go and it’s better to start now because I don’t think I might want to leave.
I
asked him to meet me where we first officially met. I have had enough of hiding
and I wanted to at least make him understand why I did it. We sat there in
silence unsure of what we would say to each other.
“I didn’t understand why you have been
avoiding me, but I won’t ask why. I believe you have a very good reason for
doing so.”
I
felt him look at me but I couldn’t do the same. It hurts me to hear the pain in his voice.
“But I am not giving you up. You can try
your hardest to push me away but I’ll always come back. I have waited and
prayed for someone like you in my life and there’s no way I'm letting you pass
me by without a good fight!”
“Did any of your wishes come true? Have you
ever felt completely hopeless after years of
praying for that one thing that can save you? Has anyone answered your
prayers? Because he didn’t answer mine…”
Should
I tell him?
Am I really
gonna tell him?
Can he take it?
Yes! He deserves
to know.
“Maybe you had doubts” he said “You see, sometime no matter how impossible
if we believe and trust God and stay patient that it will, then it will be
given to us.”
“I can no longer wait that long.” God
please help me. I finally looked at him “Im
dying.”
Disbelief.
Confusion and Pain is written all over his face.
“You’re kidding. Right?”
“I wish I am.” A tear fell as I looked
away “I wish I am.
I was ready to
go until I met him. I didn’t mean to fall in love especially now because I know
sooner rather than later I would have to go. I didn’t even though for a moment
that I’d see him again after that afternoon, who would want a dying girlfriend
after all? I can feel my body getting weaker by the minute. I was born with a
weak heart, the doctor even said I was so lucky to have lived this long.
I tried every
possible way to keep him away but he always comes back. I must admit that I’m
glad he didn’t give up. Selfish and all but I’ll just savor the moment when
there’s still time…
“I wish I had met you earlier.” He said.
I got sicker during the past months and he would often take me to the beach to
cheer me up; he knows how much I love watching sunset. We would just sit on the
porch and wait for the sun to set all the while with his arms around me.
If
only we could stay like this forever… if only I could stay forever.
“Im sorry I couldn’t..-“
I
felt him kiss the top of my head. “Sshhh.
You are not going anywhere. We will fight this. I won’t let you. I still don’t
know how but I won’t let you leave me. You leave and my heart dies, remember?”
He
said it with so much tenderness and conviction that I believe him.
God
has been good to me after all, he gave him to me. I was lucky to have
experience love even with a little time. Even luckier that it was him, everything
gets better with him, he always find reason for me to not give up and loose
hope. Always giving me something to look forward to, he is indeed God sent – my
Angel.
It
is very rare since I moved into the hospital that I didn’t saw him when I
woke up, instead I receive a phone call from him.
“I wish I had you here. I’m scared.”
“Don’t. you're stronger than that. I love you my
heart, so much.”
I
don’t know but today just feels different I have long ago prepared myself for what ever will happen both good and bad, there's just this inner feelings inside that makes me feel unsure and extra scared.
The
next thing I know was that the doctor telling me to be brave and to pray.
Before I knew it I was already being hurled in the operating room. I can hear
Raphael telling me to be brave and everything will be better before I finally
succumb to darkness…
The
operation was a success! I now have a fully recovered heart. Days. Weeks.. And
still I haven’t seen Rapahael. I missed him and I can’t wait to tell him the
good news. I was really disappointed that he was not there when I recover.
“Mom? Hadn’t Raphael come to visit yet? Am I
always asleep when he comes?” I had to ask because it is very unusual of
him to be gone this long without even a phone call “He told me he’d be here when I wake up. In the operating room, did he?
Mom?”
My
mother face paled and turns to my dad who avoided my eyes. This is so not like
them that it makes me suddenly nervous.
“Mom?” she suddenly burst into tears. “Dad? Is there something you’re not telling
me? Why would – please you’re freaking me out!” I don’t know but tears
started to come out of nowhere, I am hurting and I don’t even know why.
“Raphael had an accident.” Dad finally
said.
I almost jump out of my feet. “Is he alright? Can I see him?” Suddenly
my Mom was beside me holding me tight.
“Im sorry Baby.”
No! “Where is he? Pls.” I tried to get off
my bed. No. please God let him be alright I prayed.
“Im sorry.” It was my Dad “He’s gone.”
My
mind suddenly went blank. I can’t seem to process what Dad had just said. Heart
pounding, Body shaking. Did he really just say-.
“No! Please Dad tell me he’s alright. He’s
just here recovering somewhere. Please! Tell me he’s not – I heard him, he
promised he’d be here – he said he will stay!”
I
felt like dying, the pain was too much to bear.
“Please tell me you’re lying!” I wanted
to scream and break something. I wished I had died with him.
He’s
gone. He broke his promise.
For
months I refuse to talk to anybody. I know both our families are hurting but I just
couldn’t bring myself to show and tell them that I am okay. Well how am I supposed
to be okay when I have lost the love of my life? Forever…
Until
one day while watching the sun sets, I remembered all the beautiful things we
had shared, how happy he made me feel. And suddenly it is not so painful
anymore. Maybe I am ready to know what really happened, that maybe it will help
ease the pain some more. That maybe, just maybe I can finally understand and
forgive him for leaving.
I
thought I already ran out of tears that I already have enough courage to be
here. But upon seeing his tomb. I’m not sure anymore.
“I missed you-“ tears blurred my vision,
I’m afraid I can’t do it.
Then I felt a
hand on my shoulder. “Your mother told me you’d be here” Raphael’s mother said.
She told me what
really happened to his son. Like what Dad had told me, he had an accident.
Car crash. He was on his way to the hospital – to me when a trailer truck
suddenly came out of nowhere, and collided with his car before he could change
lane.
I felt bad that
she had to relieve the story for me, I wanted to console her but I couldn’t
seem to find the right words to make her feel better. We are both hurting.
“They found this” she said and handed me
a velvet box. I could still see bloodstained in it. “He was holding that when
they found him.”
Hand
trembling. I burst into more tears when I opened and saw the ring inside.
“I guess he wanted you to have that.”
“I wished he gave it to me personally. I’m
strong now; he always thought I could make it. He loves me.”
“They also found this with the box.” She
also handed me a piece of paper and left me to be alone.
“And oh, he didn’t let you go. He kept his
promise. My son loves you so much.” She smiled at me and for a moment there
I thought it was Rapahael who smiles.
“He gave you his heart.”
My
Heart,
I
have always been scared of loving. But I met you – love you and I didn’t ven
know I have it in me.
All I
know is that I’ll regret it my whole life if I will not have you, share it
with you. Its like straying for so long and then coming home. You always tell
me that I am your Angel, but for me YOU are the Angel because you made me a
better person, helped me see things in a better perceptive. You are indeed my
home, my heart.
I will forever be thankful to God for
giving you to me.
Happy. You are indeed that because
you gave me do much happiness.
I love you. Always.
Rapahael
Wind blowing.
Birds singing. Waves dancing. I looked at the horizon and watched the sky
changes its color as the sun slowly sets.
I
have read his letter as soon as I got home. And it’s been months still, I never
get tired of reading it again, over and over. Until I have memorized every
word. I know if he’s been given a chance he would not leave me. Besides I know
and feel that he’s with me always. I only have to look inside my heart to see him;
his heart beats form anyway – literally.
I
still have his ring. I wanted to have it to remind me of a lot of the beautiful
things, of a wonderful memory of a great love. That someone actually loved me
with his whole being. I still cried – I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t still say
that I’m a hundred percent okay, but I’m better now.
I
close my eyes and utter a prayer. Life has been good to me after all, but then sometimes
it plays cruel joke – because it had just let me fall. Now I know that you can’t
fall in love with an Angel.
Because
Angels don’t fall they just fly…
